Why We Fight with Les and Leslie Parrot

Round One
Why we Fight

Romans 12:18

• Conflict is inevitable
• We are not always fighting about reality; most often we fight about our perception

At the heart of every fight is one of two emotional perception
1. Perceived threat
2. Perceived Neglect

3. Men and women are different

• Men use: Report Talk
• Women use: Rapport Talk

Round Two
How to Fight a Good Fight  - Tools for your tool belt
the book & app

1. The Conflict Card (available on lesandleslie.com via print or app)
2. Sharing Withholds

• sharing 2 positives and 1 negative
• Information that we neglect to say (good or bad) in the midst of 

Conflict is the price we pay for a deeper level of intimacy

Notes for Todd Wagner @ D62013

Three institutions that God values...

• Family - God's gift to pass on the means to which we can go on

• Marriage - the building block of society

• Government - is a divine institution that is designed to punish evil and preserve justice

The bond which forms the family is marriage

Marriage is a big deal because God loves people
Marriage is to mirror God's character

equality, unity, diversity all must be present to properly define the trinity.

The perfect example of the structure of the trinity is displayed in God's design of marriage

4 ways to improve marriages in your church

1. You have got to be authentic

• look at your own marriage
• if every marriage in your church looked like yours, what would your church look like?
• How are you doing at setting the example, are you able to say "imitate me"?

2. Be committed

• The purpose of marriage is that there would be unity
• The purpose of marriage is not that you would be un-divorced; there's more
• When you define love with anything less than the cross, it loses it's power

3. Be connected

• be connected to others that love you
• Have accountability

4. Be aware

• Know that there is an enemy - Ephesians 5:22
• Be strong in the grace of the Lord
• Marriage takes place on a spiritual battlefield; not a romantic balcony

Notes for Tim Kimmel @D6 2013

There's a vast difference between people who do great things and people who live great lives

1. God love is best nurtured through spiritually thriving families

• Genesis 1-2 

• When God wanted to design the pinnacle part of his creation; He made a family. Not a committee of program

• Family = the domestic church

• Church = a gathering of domestic churches

• The most effective way to disciple anyone is to have them raised in a Godly home with Godly parents

• Parents begin to subcontract their parenting to the church which results in fear based parenting

• God didn't call us to raise safe spiritual kids. He called us to raise strong spiritual kids.

2. God's love is best illustrated through churches and homes that reflect God's heart. 

• Churches and homes who 

• Gods grace is supposed to be the spiritual climate system in our homes and churches

• If you're strong on truth and light on grace; you're light on truth

“I can’t stand your religious meetings. I’m fed up with your conferences and conventions. 
I want nothing to do with your religion projects,
    your pretentious slogans and goals.I’m sick of your fund-raising schemes,
    your public relations and image making.I’ve had all I can take of your noisy ego-music.
    When was the last time you sang to me?Do you know what I want?
    I want justice—oceans of it.I want fairness—rivers of it.
    That’s what I want. That’s all I want."  -Amos 5:21-24 (the Message)

• Without grace you erode the impact of the truth.

• Biblical orthodoxy is about what we know. Grace is how we come across. Grace should describe what we are

3. God's love is best transferred through churches and families that are guided by God's truth and are tempered by his grace

• Discipline and correction should be a form of Grace if done the way Christ models it in our lives
 

4. The gospel is best leveraged when churches and families operate in partnership.

• One without the other can be like assembling a puzzle with a missing box and missing pieces.

• The church should be telling parents "You can do it, we can help"

Notes for Darrin Patrick @ D6 2013

Great session with Darrin Patrick! While the focus of his talk was how men lead and grow spiritually, this is relevant to us all. Darrin reminded us that as we grow, our true growth comes from the love Christ has for us and our joy comes from the spirit. These are the true motives for following God, nothing in our fleshly power will enable a relationship with Jesus.


How spiritual fruit grows

Galatians 5:13-26

1. Fruit grows hollistically

• They all grow together
• You're weakest trait shows your level of spiritual maturity
• If your "faithfulness" is of the Spirit, then it will be accompanied by the other fruits of the Spirit

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”     - C.S. Lewis

2. Fruit grows internally

• You cannot legislate character from the outside in
• Law cannot do anything about the source of sin
• Only the spirit can change the heart
• Only the  spirit can give you love and joy, which are the motives for following God

3. Fruit grows gradually

• Sin grows gradually; but so does growth
• We often don't recognize our growth because it is gradual
• Fruit is growing all at once; not all at the same speed; but all at once

When you think that its your work that is keeping God in relationship with you, that is the anti-gospel.

Your flesh is the thing that is trying to get approval, status, and recognition from things other than Jesus. 

The way to kill the spiritual flesh is with physical flesh

4. Fruit grows communally 

• We have to have people around us who know hat our sin is
• We need accountability
• We often show the fruit; but is anyone seeing the root?

Want to go to D6 Conference? FREE?

Yes! You read that correctly! 

I will be giving away two tickets to D6 2013 Conference in Louisville. 

(conference tickets only)

As many of you know, I am a huge advocate of equipping leaders. Last year (and this year) I will be serving as part of the social media team at D6, this is an outstanding conference that has something for everyone in ministry. The prime focus is families, but there are tools for women's ministry, men's ministry, kid's ministry and more. One of the best methods of training I have ever received (and continue to receive) is the learning experiences others. So for a fun way to give these tickets away, I am asking that you tell me the best piece of kid's ministry or family ministry advice in no more than 25 words that you didn't learn in seminary.

It can be fun, logistical, spiritual, etc. These will be used for a ministry project later, so be creative!

D6 is in Louisville, October 16th - 18th
For more information on the content and amazing speaker line up click here.

To enter to win, add a comment on this blog post of your 25 words or less. I will pull a random winner on the 4th of July....just to keep with the "FREE" theme! The winner will be announced at 10:00 AM PST both on the blog and twitter!

I can't wait to see your input!



 

Book Review: Limited Church: Unlimited Kingdom

Limited Church: Unlimited Kingdom 

 Uniting church and family in the great commission

 by Rob Rienow. 

As I sat down, tea in hand, I was prepared to read and absorb, or so I thought. I will honestly say after reading, once isn't enough. I plan to do it again! The amount of information in this book is amazing. In review, the design of this book is well done. It puts a significant amount of thought provoking information in a bite sized section, and then pauses for reflective questions. I appreciate this, so many times an author will twist and turn through a verbal journey and when you arrive, there is no sense of how you got there. The book flows nicely and builds on itself from one section to the next, while constantly referring to scripture.

Content!  Rienow begins with what most would consider to be obvious information, the Bible is sufficient. Then moves to challenge with the reflective question "To what degree does your church use the Bible as a sufficient guide for making ministry and programming decisions? How often is the Bible referred to when making ministry strategy decisions?" Not only does the beginning of the book speak to general ministry, I personally believe every young adults pastor needs a copy on hand. 

Rienow suggests that the biblical doctrine of jurisdiction has been largely lost in today's church.  Dr. Rienow consistently reminds us that God has given us the information in the Bible to carry out His mission, everything from what He wants done, how He wants it done, and who He wants to do it. Reinow does well to lay out the four foundational realms of authority, areas of jurisdiction in society. They are; the individual, the family, the local church, and the government.  He focuses on the local church and the family while covering each area based upon the sufficiency of Scripture and repeating the framework God has given each one according to His Word. Those committed to loving God and others advances God’s mission through a godly marriage, godly children, a godly local church.  

Limited Church: Unlimited Kingdom is definitely a tool to be used by family ministry leaders, children's ministry leaders, and young adult leaders as well. The first read through is great, but I plan on digesting it with my team in a section by section format. 

Gifts of Christmas

Christmas time! My favorite time of year. A season that we can surround everything we  do with the birth of our savior. The opportunities for teaching kids this time of year is never-ending. I love pulling out the lights and handmade crafts by my kids to put on display, the fire department would cringe at the level of candles and lights throughout my home. After all the decorations have been hung and the traditions are in place, that leaves the gifts. In a season of giving, I absolutely love to get gifts for others. As I talk to parents every year during this time I am asked for recommendations. By tradition we do a family gift, something we can do together. So here is a list of ideas, gifts that are unusual and possibly irreplaceable that you can do as parents or even pass to the grand kids.

1. A Family Year Book
 (This falls under that irreplaceable type gift)
Take your favorite pictures from throughout the year and send in for a book. Best of all, the photos are printed onto the hardcover bound book, so they won't age. You can get as creative or simple as you like, and as small or large as you like. I make one for our family and someday my kids will take them, we also make a copy for the grandparents. This can even be a great gift for those hard to buy for teenagers or for homesick college students.

2. Families that play together
 Yes! I love anything that gets the family moving as a unit! And after the holidays we all usually say we need more exercise. What about a family gift of new bikes? New basketball hoop and everyone gets their own ball? Our family has a new pool table, so personalized cue sticks are something I am hunting for.

3. The gift of sports

 Did you know that most stadiums, arenas and locations where pro-teams play offer private tours? Not quite the economy to spend hundreds of dollars on pro game tickets, but maybe your kids are sports fans. On average tours are about $15 a person and kids get to discover every nook and cranny of these places including their favorite athlete's locker!

4. Game night
 Our kids love to play board games. But as they have gotten older our games have become outdated. So a wicker chest full of updated games is a great gift! If you don't have a "no TV" family game night, then a basket of games, and popcorn would be an easy way to add it to your new year!

5. The gift of giving
 A family I know will adopt a child from compassion international this year. This is actually something they choose to do at Christmas as a family. Their plan is to have the kids write letters and celebrate this child all year. I love this idea! In our home we adopt a child from the local children's home, but there are many ways that this could be done. Down to wrapping up a sum of money and the gift being letting the children how to decide to use it in a giving sense. Children who are actively involved in the decision making tend to have an ownership of this process.

Hopefully these give you a few ideas. In a world that we as Americans have so much, it's become a love to find things we can give to our children that will create lasting memories and moments that strengthen our family rather than items that will never make it out of a toy box. My children are 10 and 16 this year. They still find crazy joy in picking their yearly ornament for the tree that will someday become the starter collection for their own family. It's amazing to watch them shop for our "adopted" Christmas child and seeing them want to get everything on their list out of love. I truly believe that the investments made, when based on the knowledge that God gave us Jesus who then gave everything (His life) as an example for how we give of ourselves, make times like Christmas pure joy in giving.

My #D62012 Review

After a great first time at D6, I would like to share a little of what I experienced. This was my first year attending this conference, and truly had no idea what to expect. I have been to several kids ministry conferences, but nothing that specifically was designed for ministry to the family. Currently as a ministry leader I have spent the last year trying to develop an organized family ministry. Families need tools; sadly they have no idea where to start. Realizing this, as well as realizing the generation that is now beginning to have kids have little to no church background is why I feel a calling to develop a structured ministry to help with this.

My goal at D6 was to go and be a part of the social media team, (which was a blast) as well as come away with a clearer vision of what today's family needs from the church and how to equip them for ministry in their home. Church should be the accent to the in home ministry, not the centerpiece. But how can we as ministry leaders expect parents to pray with and disciple their children if we have not taught them to? So I wanted tools to teach.

I came away with several ideas, books, and a fire that I believe will be putting the meat on this ministry skeleton I have been working on. I wasn't just tossed into a session and given a list of "how to's", which I appreciate! I was challenged within my own spiritual walk, asked to look into myself as a leader before I even attempt to do anything outward. Such a refreshing reminder, as leaders we are always teaching, directing, and well....leading. It was nice to sit back, crack open my Bible and be challenged to assess things within my own life before being taught to apply it outward.

The conference gave a sense of friendly community, I went alone and felt more than welcome and even invited to sit on the grass for lunch at the trucks with a group of leaders from California. During the event, I was able to ask questions and have answers almost immediately from the D6 crew (which was great as part of the social media team). There were interactive activities and fun things as well as time to chat with fellow leaders and debrief some of the sessions. The speakers were great and I felt covered a multitude of areas of ministry that are so relevant for today's church. (dads, blended families, marriage, and so many more) Logistically the setup was great, I am a fan of a clean sleek look and it definitely had that and was very user friendly.

I will definitely be attending again and plan on taking a few more people with me next year. I was unable to attend the pre conference labs, but will not make that mistake again! They're already on my calendar for 2013!

A conversation with Beth Guckenberger

Beth Guckenberger

Orphan Care and Adoption Advocate - Executive Director of Back2Back Ministries

May I start by saying Beth is one of my favorites, and has been since I first met her at CPC San Diego. As a woman in ministry I love the example Beth sets as a strong, well spoken woman of God. I appreciate that Beth is not a "book leader", while she has books out, she is hands on and clearly displays that she is active in everything she asks others to do. When I hear her speak, she seems like a person who could cast a vision and work alongside those who share it. I was happy to sit down and chat a little with Beth, here is a brief summary of our interview:

I asked Beth; "What is the one thing you desire to share most"? Which she quickly smiled and answered by telling me "That the star of the show is the word of God" and quoted Joshua 1:8. If you have ever heard her speak, this is something you'll hear her quote just about the time she explains the "consumption" of the word of God. 

As a fellow mom, and knowing Beth and Todd have 9 children, naturally I had questions here! Release! What do you do for release? Beth shared that the ability to abide in Christ is her greatest release. Having the willingness to go where God leads her and praying He will equip her with the right tools gives her a sense of peace as God directs her path. 

When I met Beth for the very first time, her husband Todd was with her. I mentioned that they had a sense of joy about them, their love showed but also the fact that they seemed to clearly just enjoy each others company and had a good time. Marriage tip? Dates! Beth shared that her marriage is a refuge for her, and at 9:30 every night she is a wife (that's it). Some have a date day, they have date evenings. I love this idea of a daily portion of time dedicated to your spouse and nothing more. And parenting, with 9 children, what's your secret? Beth shared that having alone time with each child every day was a great contributor. While as parents we all know it's not a programmable effort for a specific 5-10 minutes, taking the small moments and using them wisely makes all the difference.

Finally, we have heard her talk, and  have witnessed the ministry she is called to as an advocate for children. I asked her for a decision she has made in ministry. Beth shared that the decision to go deep and not wide, the constant conscious decision to gain quality over quantity has been a strong point of their ministry, paired with the desire to "be truthful and not impressive" when she speaks of Back to Back ministries. 

I was honored to get to know Beth a little more. I appreciate her willingness to be so transparent and share some of her ministry and home life. Leadership and ministry can be messy, and getting to serve alongside this sister in Christ thrills my soul. 

If you would like to learn more about Back to Back Ministries click here
They also have a newsletter you can subscribe to.

Doug Fields at D6 2012

Doug Fields (DougFields.com) has been a pastor to teenagers and ministry leader for over 30 years, serving at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, CA for the last 20 years. Currently Doug is the Executive Director of HomeWord’s Center for Youth & Family at Azusa Pacific University, he’s on the leadership team of Youth Specialties, and he’s the volunteer youth pastor at a start-up church in Southern CA.

"The three sunlamps that burned my vision". Doug shared a story of looking into a sunlamp as a kid and having his vision compromised.



1. The importance of numbers

• the idea that bigger is better
• realizing that week to week you must "feed the beast"
• numbers feeds our insecurity
• It's so easy to speak in statistics

2. The pace of life

• ministry becomes less of a marathon and more of a sprint
• created a longing for isolation

3. The constant comparison 

• a pitfall of ministry
• comparison of ministry practices, congregation sizes etc.
• comparing everything you know about yourself to everything you don't know about another

How do we turn off the light and refocus the vision, and clearly live. 

 John 11 "Unwrap him and let him live" 

Three ways to turn off the sunlamps...

1. Bigger isn't better, better is better.

• what if you went on a numbers detox? Maybe find another way to gage effectiveness. 

2. Hurry is the enemy of depth

• realizing this about the pace of life. 
• finding depth in people, self and Jesus
• you can't rush relationships, discipleship or love

2. Comparison quenches peace

• realizing that God made a masterpiece
• stop comparing and start abiding
• quit being impressed by the business of others
• realize everything and everyone looks better from a distance

If you have been blinded by the ministry machine, please take action. You must find a way to turn off the blinding sunlamp to regain your vision. 

Are you excited about the future and condition of your soul?

Mark McPeak at D6 2012

Mark McPeak 

Mark is Vice President of Brentwood Communications near Nashville, Tennessee. His career has been providential blend of ministry and the marketplace. He has more than 15 years of marketplace experience, many of those as a senior leader. Mark’s expertise is marketing, market research, and business strategy consulting. Mark spent nearly 7 years with Michigan-based RDA Group, a top market research and consulting firm where he worked with Fortune 50 clients. He worked for Thomas Nelson Publishers and has served as an independent consultant and strategist to many major firms.

Grace in the Empty Spaces grew out of Mark’s passion for the church. Believing the gospel is meant to transform individuals so they genuinely reflect Christ and draw others to Him – Mark first wrote a simple one-another study for his church more than 15 years ago.

Mark now lives in Mt. Juliet, Tennessee with his wife of 29 years, Sandra, and their youngest son Matthew, a senior in high school. They have two other adult children, Amy and Andrew. Mark and Sandra lead a youth life group at the Donelson Fellowship where they have attended since 1982.

Below are notes from Mark's talk at D6 Conference 2012.

As people can change, it can create empty spaces in their marriage. Pain and bitterness (among other things) can get into the empty spaces. 

How about you?

If you think of a scale and one side is really good, and the other is not good. Where would you find your marriage? 

Keep in mind, the chldren's home, often resembles the parent's home.

Mark was asked, do you want to be happily married? Or do you want to be right? Which lead to a question that led to another question. "What do you want, what do you really want?"

• Mark's conclusion. He wanted her to be crazy about him on her own.
• One hour of someone giving you what they wan to give you is worth more than months of getting it through manipulation. 

When you are angry you may be

• The dramatic one
• the one who detaches
• the one who blows up verbally
• the emotional one
• the arguer 
• the manipulator

Knowing how you resound to anger, and dealing with it in a Godly way is important.  The old statement of "that's just how I am is not relevant".  Hardwiring is no excuse for not being transformed by the grace of God.  

Ephesians 5 

Our marriages should be a picture of the unconditional love that Christ has for His church

2 Corinthians 11:2-3

We have an enemy who's desire it is to destroy us starting with our relationships. 

1 Colossians 3:1-3 God cares a lot about what we want. God desires to change us from the inside out, which changes the desires of our heart. 

What Mark learned:

• Sometimes it is possible not to know what we really want
• When we don't know want, all our efforts may be for nothing. 
• Some things are worth wanting - worth humbling yourself to be in a position to receive them
• If you want your wife to be crazy about you, you have to be willing to be the man she is crazy about. 

When we fill the empty spaces of our marriages with the things that come from God's grace, we will be able to build a marriage as described by God's word.